I don't know what to do anymore.
Honestly, I give up.
My life is going to kill me, all this stress building is going to make me explode, and realistically I don't think that will be a bad thing.
I want to go back to being a child. When things were easy and you really didn't have to worry about anything. Everyone else worried for you.
Nothing is going right. I swear everything is literally falling apart.
It has gotten to the point where I don't even want to talk to myself. I don't even want my own company. I spend every waking moment tearing myself apart. The loneliness and failure is consuming me, in every way.
14.11.12
19.10.11
Think, Believe, Become.
"As you believe, so you become" - Unknown.
There once was a girl, who thought that, if someone thought it, it must be true. I'm sad to confess that that girl is, yours truly. Now me being the type of girl I am, I tend to take things too literal, and I take most everything to heart and alot of the time it leaves me with nothing but heart ache and depression. This, I've learned is no one elses fault but my own. I know that I need to make a change, and I need to loosen up a tad and forget what others have to say about me, and not care about what others think they know.
What I have learned though, is that you have the power and the ultimate say over what you become, and who you believe. So here's to a newer me, and you - whoever you are -
...and Smile... :)
There once was a girl, who thought that, if someone thought it, it must be true. I'm sad to confess that that girl is, yours truly. Now me being the type of girl I am, I tend to take things too literal, and I take most everything to heart and alot of the time it leaves me with nothing but heart ache and depression. This, I've learned is no one elses fault but my own. I know that I need to make a change, and I need to loosen up a tad and forget what others have to say about me, and not care about what others think they know.
What I have learned though, is that you have the power and the ultimate say over what you become, and who you believe. So here's to a newer me, and you - whoever you are -
- Think - about what you want, are or could be.
- Believe - whatever those things are
- Become - what you know you have the power to become.
18.10.11
So I've decided I'm going to try and start - what I'll call - a new segment. How this will go : I will have a quote for each post and my post will be about how it fits into my life at the moment.
Don't give up on me quite yet :).
"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then figure out how to sell it for $5.00 a glass." - John Woodman.
In the last 2 months or so my emotions have been challenged. I've moved into my fathers house which is great but it still feels a little odd. It probably feels that way because I've lived with my mother for as long as I can remember and I'm just used to my fathers house, as a visiting place. Having moved means I had to leave my job, which was fine with me, until I realized its a little difficult to get a new one. I have applied to a few places and have yet to go around and hand out resumes, I need a job desperately.
Along with moving and having NO money, I have reunited myself with my ex, twice removed LOL. This was a hard thing for me to do, because in the summer while we were apart, my so called 'friend' decided to move in on this and they got a little closer then i would have liked, she is the same girl my last post was about, and she is most of the reason I moved in the first place. But I'm not here to blame my problems on her, although my depression was caused by her actions, its not fair to blame everything solely on her. anyways, i got a little off topic there, me and my Boyfriend have been working things out and its actually going pretty good, the only problem now is the distance, which has been and is going to be difficult to overcome, but we'll manage.
the last thing that really got to my head was my first visit to my moms since I moved. my first official day there, i went back to my high school (my brother just started) to have lunch with my brother, and then had plans to hang out with my 'best friend'. the way her schedule had worked out she had a 2 hour lunch period, so we mad plans to take advantage of that :) i was so excited, so you could know my hurt when she totally blew me off, for who other then her boyfriend and previously mentioned girl! Yes, I got ditched by my best friend, for my worst enemy, and her boyfriend, more then once throughout the day might i add. then later i found out that she texted her boyfriend to come to the school, because quote "she was bored and had nothing better to do for lunch", how awesome!!! but me being desperate to hangout with her, we made plans to do something after school. so she drove me to her place. But instead of actually hanging out she went over to the neighbours and started a conversation, i was fine with this until it lasted over an hour and a half, once it ended her boyfriend showed up, cause apparently she made plans with him. so once again she ditched me, she drove me home early so she could hang out with him. it really was probably the worst day Ive ever had.. so naturally it could only get better right? wrong... at dinner that night, I got into a huge fight with my Mother, it ended in her going to her room, slamming the door and not coming back out till morning. it was horrible, and yes I said HER going to her room.
So my quote for today, to me fits well.
when you get faced with issues, and problems that you have a hard time getting over it, you make lemonade, "then figure out how to sell it for $5.00 a glass". Make the best of the situations, things always have a bright side, you just have to be creative enough to find it. upon all of this happening, i have disconnected contact with my 'bestfriend' and her boyfriend as well, there is no need for negative people in my life, it only hinders me. I am finding myself and becoming a new, better person and it feels really good. It's also helpful that i have people who love and will support me!
Don't give up on me quite yet :).
"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then figure out how to sell it for $5.00 a glass." - John Woodman.
In the last 2 months or so my emotions have been challenged. I've moved into my fathers house which is great but it still feels a little odd. It probably feels that way because I've lived with my mother for as long as I can remember and I'm just used to my fathers house, as a visiting place. Having moved means I had to leave my job, which was fine with me, until I realized its a little difficult to get a new one. I have applied to a few places and have yet to go around and hand out resumes, I need a job desperately.
Along with moving and having NO money, I have reunited myself with my ex, twice removed LOL. This was a hard thing for me to do, because in the summer while we were apart, my so called 'friend' decided to move in on this and they got a little closer then i would have liked, she is the same girl my last post was about, and she is most of the reason I moved in the first place. But I'm not here to blame my problems on her, although my depression was caused by her actions, its not fair to blame everything solely on her. anyways, i got a little off topic there, me and my Boyfriend have been working things out and its actually going pretty good, the only problem now is the distance, which has been and is going to be difficult to overcome, but we'll manage.
the last thing that really got to my head was my first visit to my moms since I moved. my first official day there, i went back to my high school (my brother just started) to have lunch with my brother, and then had plans to hang out with my 'best friend'. the way her schedule had worked out she had a 2 hour lunch period, so we mad plans to take advantage of that :) i was so excited, so you could know my hurt when she totally blew me off, for who other then her boyfriend and previously mentioned girl! Yes, I got ditched by my best friend, for my worst enemy, and her boyfriend, more then once throughout the day might i add. then later i found out that she texted her boyfriend to come to the school, because quote "she was bored and had nothing better to do for lunch", how awesome!!! but me being desperate to hangout with her, we made plans to do something after school. so she drove me to her place. But instead of actually hanging out she went over to the neighbours and started a conversation, i was fine with this until it lasted over an hour and a half, once it ended her boyfriend showed up, cause apparently she made plans with him. so once again she ditched me, she drove me home early so she could hang out with him. it really was probably the worst day Ive ever had.. so naturally it could only get better right? wrong... at dinner that night, I got into a huge fight with my Mother, it ended in her going to her room, slamming the door and not coming back out till morning. it was horrible, and yes I said HER going to her room.
So my quote for today, to me fits well.
when you get faced with issues, and problems that you have a hard time getting over it, you make lemonade, "then figure out how to sell it for $5.00 a glass". Make the best of the situations, things always have a bright side, you just have to be creative enough to find it. upon all of this happening, i have disconnected contact with my 'bestfriend' and her boyfriend as well, there is no need for negative people in my life, it only hinders me. I am finding myself and becoming a new, better person and it feels really good. It's also helpful that i have people who love and will support me!
5.7.11
Right Out Of My Mouth...
Thank you Ke$ha for saying what I needed too :)
"And look at what we all found out
Lookie here we all found out
That you have got a set of loose lips
Twisting stories all because you're jealous
Now I know exactly what you're all aboutAnd this is what you're all about
Girl, you're such a backstabber
Oh girl, you're such a shit talker
And everybody knows it
Girl, you're such a backstabber
Run your mouth more than anyone I've ever known
And everybody knows it
Back, back, backstabber
Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk
I'm sick and tired of hearing all about my life
From other bitches with all of your liesWrapped up so tight, so maybe you should shut your mouth
Shut your fucking mouth
Honestly, I think it's kinda funny that
You waste your breath talking about me
Got me feeling kinda special really
This is what you're all about
Girl, you're such a backstabber
Oh girl, you're such a shit talker
And everybody knows it
And everybody knows it
Girl, you're such a backstabber
Run your mouth more than anyone I've ever known
And everybody knows it
And everybody knows it
Back, back, backstabber
Stabber, stabber
Back, back, backstabber
Girl, you're such a backstabber
Oh girl, you're such a shit talker
Girl, you're such a backstabber
Taking and twisting it down, you're so manipulating
Run your mouth more than anyone I've ever known
And everybody knows it
Taking and twisting it down, you're so manipulating
Girl, talk, talk, you're looking like a lunatic" - Ke$ha
"And look at what we all found out
Lookie here we all found out
That you have got a set of loose lips
Twisting stories all because you're jealous
Now I know exactly what you're all aboutAnd this is what you're all about
Girl, you're such a backstabber
Oh girl, you're such a shit talker
And everybody knows it
Girl, you're such a backstabber
Run your mouth more than anyone I've ever known
And everybody knows it
Back, back, backstabber
Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk
I'm sick and tired of hearing all about my life
From other bitches with all of your liesWrapped up so tight, so maybe you should shut your mouth
Shut your fucking mouth
Honestly, I think it's kinda funny that
You waste your breath talking about me
Got me feeling kinda special really
This is what you're all about
Girl, you're such a backstabber
Oh girl, you're such a shit talker
And everybody knows it
And everybody knows it
Girl, you're such a backstabber
Run your mouth more than anyone I've ever known
And everybody knows it
And everybody knows it
Back, back, backstabber
Stabber, stabber
Back, back, backstabber
Girl, you're such a backstabber
Oh girl, you're such a shit talker
Girl, you're such a backstabber
Taking and twisting it down, you're so manipulating
Run your mouth more than anyone I've ever known
And everybody knows it
Taking and twisting it down, you're so manipulating
Girl, talk, talk, you're looking like a lunatic" - Ke$ha
3.7.11
But Theres a Side To You, That I Never Knew ...
So this post is specifically designed for a certain person. My hopes are that he will read this and know it's for him....
I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss us, and I'm not a liar.
I realize that you're moved on, and personally I wish it wasn't with the person it is, but you never did listen to what I said about her, so it seems like you are made for each other...
If i could go back in time I would change my mind about getting together again. I think that it was bad judgement on my behalf and I should have known better then to re-enter a bad relationship. I've learned now, that I don't need someone else to make up my mind for me. I also don't need to be told what I can and can't do, and what i can and can't look like. I'm a beautiful girl, and deserve to be treated like one.
I still hope the best for you, I know you have potential because you are a great guy deep down, but you're not as good as you might think so step down from the pedestal you set yourself on, and start treating people with the dignity and respect they deserve. I would like to be friends, cliche or not, but I won't be able to as long as you are with my "best friend".
Things change a great deal, didn't they? I really hope you read that, you always were waiting for my next post.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss us, and I'm not a liar.
I realize that you're moved on, and personally I wish it wasn't with the person it is, but you never did listen to what I said about her, so it seems like you are made for each other...
If i could go back in time I would change my mind about getting together again. I think that it was bad judgement on my behalf and I should have known better then to re-enter a bad relationship. I've learned now, that I don't need someone else to make up my mind for me. I also don't need to be told what I can and can't do, and what i can and can't look like. I'm a beautiful girl, and deserve to be treated like one.
I still hope the best for you, I know you have potential because you are a great guy deep down, but you're not as good as you might think so step down from the pedestal you set yourself on, and start treating people with the dignity and respect they deserve. I would like to be friends, cliche or not, but I won't be able to as long as you are with my "best friend".
Things change a great deal, didn't they? I really hope you read that, you always were waiting for my next post.
17.4.11
27.10.10
La la la.
Hello people, so I'm sure I have no followers as of yet, but I'm hoping to soon. and if i happen to have any, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while.
I'm like STRESSIN' here folks. And here are the reasons why.
Head cold.
It came on suddenly, but strong. It was fierce and it's tormenting me, like "nah nah' Feel better' well HERE" and then I have a Conniption fit of coughing. not a whole lot more to say about that. But being sick sucks...
School
Okay now, I'm in grade 12. and it's stressful. becase not only is it my last year of highschool. but this years marks really COUNT this time around. its what colleges are looking at, and heaven knows that my marks are shit, most of the time. So I have been putting alot of effort into this year, and its difficicult. and this week is going to drive me insain. heres my list
Life
Drama sucks. friendships get tested and tryed and in the end, life hates you no mater what.
Not really feeling like totally explaining my love life. But I will clarify that it's not BAD. Actually it has been quite good only problem that I would like to fix is arguing. Don't you think it would be great if you could be like perfect couple that never fights and gets along great :)
me to, but thats not the way it works. so you gotta make due with what you have. and what i have is a FANTASTIC boyfriend who loves me. and we have an over competitiveness about us. and we gotta work on that one, it causes problems, and i'm sure he'd agree. but whether its good or bad, it is always stressful.
I know you'll read this so when you do, :) I LOVE YOU..
( and so you people are clear, we have been together for just over a year total. and known eachother for almost three, around two and a half now so :). )
So that just about covers my stress for the time being. hope you all engoyed my ranting. LOL
I'm like STRESSIN' here folks. And here are the reasons why.
- I now have a brutal head cold.
- school is being relatively crazy
- life : that in itself is explanatory
- and the infamous relationship.
Head cold.
It came on suddenly, but strong. It was fierce and it's tormenting me, like "nah nah' Feel better' well HERE" and then I have a Conniption fit of coughing. not a whole lot more to say about that. But being sick sucks...
School
Okay now, I'm in grade 12. and it's stressful. becase not only is it my last year of highschool. but this years marks really COUNT this time around. its what colleges are looking at, and heaven knows that my marks are shit, most of the time. So I have been putting alot of effort into this year, and its difficicult. and this week is going to drive me insain. heres my list
- Physics test tomorrow.
- News articles, summary and how it affects me, due monday.
- Chemistry test tuesday
- Chemistry mid term thursday.
Life
Drama sucks. friendships get tested and tryed and in the end, life hates you no mater what.
Not really feeling like totally explaining my love life. But I will clarify that it's not BAD. Actually it has been quite good only problem that I would like to fix is arguing. Don't you think it would be great if you could be like perfect couple that never fights and gets along great :)
me to, but thats not the way it works. so you gotta make due with what you have. and what i have is a FANTASTIC boyfriend who loves me. and we have an over competitiveness about us. and we gotta work on that one, it causes problems, and i'm sure he'd agree. but whether its good or bad, it is always stressful.
I know you'll read this so when you do, :) I LOVE YOU..
( and so you people are clear, we have been together for just over a year total. and known eachother for almost three, around two and a half now so :). )
So that just about covers my stress for the time being. hope you all engoyed my ranting. LOL
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